I hate to break it to you ladies — but I think we’re our own worst enemies.
I recently sent out a survey about ‘sexpectations’ to 100 or so girlfriends, and after seeing their answers, I can officially tell you — we are mostly if not entirely to blame for the pressure we place on ourselves surrounding our sex lives.
For years I thought that the sex industry, men, movies, magazines and society were to blame — and I still believe they have a strong influence on us.
But after reading through the answers my girlfriends gave me, as well as debriefings over many wines for years, I think the answer is clear — we women who gossip to their close friends are placing this sex stress on one another.
Not only that — we continue to buy into movies that portray sex so unrealistically, like The Notebook for example.
There isn’t very many of us females that climax during sex without some stimulation to the clitoral region. Wait for it — some chicks don’t reach climax, ever.
My friend Rosie Rees, who is a relationship and sexuality coach, confirmed it: “Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and only about 20 per cent of women can reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone.”
Females reaching the big O, and sex in general, are such taboo subjects — and I hate that.
If we discussed it more openly, more of us would be happy to tell you that having sex in the shower will rarely ever allow a female reach her destination.
Rosie also said: “The truth is, we don’t always look ‘sexy’ when we’re having sex, and often it will take over half an hour to even sniff that a orgasm is close by. Most women on average take about 45 minutes to feel fully surrendered and open to reaching their destination — taking into account foreplay and sex.”
I feel it’s time we had a real and open conversation about sex, not 50 Shades of Grey style (which to be honest, is what most of us do with our pals).
I know majority of the time, I tell them all the good stuff. Not because I’m embarrassed, but that’s what we’re conditioned to believe we all want to hear.
It shouldn’t be such a taboo topic. It’s a natural, sexy part of our lives and we should feel comfortable expressing our true feelings.
Back to women’s unrealistic ‘sexpectations’.
Too many hours are spent with our girlfriends discussing intricate details like his size, whether he could make us climax, what he was like, was he any good — and this is where the problem lies.
We then start to compare our own individual sex lives to our mates. And we shouldn’t.
Truth is, I’m guilty as hell on this. But the more I read through the responses from these women, who want to remain anonymous, the more I recognise the real issue.
I know when I watch movies, I compare myself to the actors. I ask questions like why can they reach climax in less time it takes to cook two-minute noodles?
How are they having such great sex when they only just ripped each other’s clothes off?
Women (and men), if you’re guilty of comparing yourselves, stop it now. We’re only driving ourselves mad.
I found out another interesting statistic in my little sex survey. This one surprised me — 80 per cent of my girlfriends answered ‘yes’ to watching porn (either with their partner or alone).
This fascinates me.
I’m not a fan. I used to enjoy it, but find it so unrealistic. It can be hot. But these women groan, grunt and reach climax within minutes, sometimes even seconds.
I’m not saying stop with watching the adult films. Clearly that wouldn’t work as nearly all my chick mates enjoy it. I’m saying, don’t expect your sex life to be like that.
To be honest, most women need their men to put in a good innings before she scores.
Without going into too much detail and giving you a visual that may scar you for life, I enjoy lots of touching and kissing. But everyone is different.
So why can’t we be more real with our conversations and expectations? It would mean we’d be a hell of a lot easier on ourselves and our men if we did.
There are a few things we must remember for the future, so I’ve put together a realistic list on sexpectations from my 100 women survey.
— No one’s sex life is perfect because we’re all individuals
— Not everyone is going to reach climax in three seconds like Rachel McAdams in The Notebook
— All women get to their destination differently, some never make it — so they fake it
— We have been known to fake noises and the big O. We’ve done it once, so let’s be honest: we’ll probably do it again
— My Mum taught me not to believe everything you read. So stop thinking those articles are gospel
— Perfect positions aren’t perfect for everyone. Remember one size does not fit all
— 50 Shades of Grey is just a movie. It isn’t real
— Adult films are fun. You could make your own but be prepared for him to share it if you break up
— Sex with your partner, no matter how many times a day, month or year, is normal
I asked Rosie what healthy sex was and why it’s important: “My motto is this: Connect every day. Now I don’t say ‘have amazing, bench-toppling, groundbreaking, three-hour long sex’ every day.
“I say connect, which means anything from: looking into each other’s eyes, giving each other a massage, cuddles, open-mouth kisses, body touch, chatting deeply, talking about your feelings etc.”
I’m no ‘sexpert’, I just believe we need to stop comparing our sex lives and get on with it.
Whatever gets you going and is enjoyable is what’s right for you at the end of the day.