Suicide taboo

RH - Taylor DepressionI want you to meet my friend Taylor.

She is 17 years old & last year she tried to end her life, thankfully she is still here!

She has good & bad days but she survived & I’m grateful I met her through my job.

Taylor is a gorgeous soul & last week we met for brekky, she shared with me this very personal post she made on Facebook.

We decided to share it here, as we need to speak out & let others know they are not alone & taking your own life is not the answer.

Share away & remember to reach out! 

Love ya x

Take it away Taylor…

“I would like to open up and tell a very personal story about mental illness and suicide.

I know this is a very low spoken subject to family and close friends and that I only mentioned it, publicly, almost a year later. But all the deaths happening around me this past month are too tragic to forget.

I have started reading a book called “Furiously Happy”. I understood none of what the author meant until recently… when she said to be so happy when you feel good that you are furiously happy. —it has stuck to me.

21 days from now, one year ago, I will try to kill myself.

April 26 2015, I take a lethal dose of Promethazine hydrochloride.

I force a whole handful of the tablets down, call some people, sounding normal, I hear their voice once more. I write a couple of sentences down on paper and shove it next to me between the bed and the wall. I lay down on my back, look through the window at the world and say… goodbye.

Then I close my eyes.

I am sent to hospital and put in an intensive care unit, where I will; hallucinate, be extremely aggressive, and be overcome with violence. I will scare my family, my loved ones, the other patients and most hospital staff.

And remember none of it.

Two weeks go by. I will wake up and feel out of the dream like state I have been in and look at the ceiling above and realise… I am not in my own bedroom—but in a psychiatric ward.

I will have no freedom, a schedule to follow and be told when to eat, when to shower and when to go to bed. I will not be allowed out in public, but I will have a glass door, where through it, I envy people that walk past in freedom.

I see my family as much as they can come. Mostly my parents.

Every day for two weeks I repeated the schedule given to me. I looked at myself in the mirror on day 6 at the ward and realised I was in the most indescribable mind set I have ever been in.

I’m not going to come out and say “Yes! I survived, I am a survivor!”

I’m still fighting. I will for a long time. I’m not sure I will ever stop.

For years I have fought anxiety and depression.

That is a sentence we hear often, isn’t it? So often we have become used to it.

Every day for years, I self-harmed in places that would never be seen. I pulled my hair out. Bit skin off my lips and the inside of my cheeks until I spit blood. Scratch myself. I tricked myself into thinking people hated me. I didn’t eat properly and I hardly drank water. Looked myself in the mirror and say horrible things to myself. I refused to accept that not everyone gets along and instead would blame it on myself. I didn’t sleep. I would not let myself. Instead, I’d lay there repeating everything I just did that day. I let myself become consumed by the dark thoughts in my head and hated who Taylor Dean was.

The biggest bully I ever had was myself.

I never spoke of how I truly felt and allowed myself to become a deeply dark, depressed person.

I had mood swings. Some good days, most bad.

The list is endless. I bet you have had some of these feelings and issues.

It’s difficult for me to say all this because I feel ashamed and embarrassed for myself, but it’s very rare I write long passages and gain the confidence and block the anxiety to post it.

It’s so hard to say what we deep-down feel, yet so easy to pretend.

We can state the faults in others but never ourselves. Why is that?

Is it because we subconsciously focus on others’ problems in order to forget our own?

Well… what ever it is, it’s become habit! For all of us!

We’re so quick to judge unknowingly, yet forget we have felt or done the exact same!

When we speak of it, we are judged the way we had previously judged!
That is the problem!

If you are affected by the lives lost in the past, whether that’s recently or long ago, in memory of their life… DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF!

Be more honest with yourself! Say how you feel out loud. Try to judge less harshly. Gain a fresh perspective.

I’m sure we’ve all had a fair taste of how cruel the world can be. Funny, that is, because we are the ones who make it.

Lets take what we feel more seriously. Not rely completely on short term relief.

Be the change you want to see happen. Be the person you really want to be and don’t stop believing you can.

Allow yourself to feel sad and angry. Ride through that feeling. Don’t be mean to yourself for feeling down support yourself. Then when you feel happy, focus on that and be even happier!


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