How do you kill the devil in your head without killing yourself?

I want to break the stigma around mental health, especially when it comes to men.

The biggest killer for men under 45 is suicide and this has to change.

Our fathers, brothers, uncles, granddads, cousins, nephews etc are too afraid to speak out about their feelings and ask for help because they think it makes them look weak.

We’ll that is bullsh*t and it has to change.

We have to make it ok for men to speak up about their feelings. The change starts with you and that’s what this page is all about, holding space for people to share their stories.

Each week, you’ll find a REAL person, with a REAL story.

I want you to meet Gary, he 36 and from Carramar in Perth.

Gary is a Road train tipper driver and sent me this piece last week that he wrote and I’d love to share it with you.

Gary’s story…

How do you kill the devil in your head without killing yourself?

And while your thinking about that, how do you kill yourself without killing those who love you?

This is a very common thought of someone who’s borderline, has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), emotional dysregulation.

What ever you call it you can call it hell.

Ill quickly take you back.

When I was eight, my biological father and grandparents abandoned my brother and I.

This is when my behaviour became worse.

I was hyperactive, impulsive, hot tempered and wouldn’t listen to anyone.

I found it very hard to concentrate in school and by the age of nine, I had to have private tuition for English and Math’s.

I went from not being able to write my own name to being in the highest level in English.

I then had to endure five years of mental and physical bullying in high school.

I have always been sensitive; I wear my heart on my sleeve according to my mum.

By my late teens my temper was out of control.

I would break windows, doors and punch holes in walls, all over small things.

Shortly after turning 34, I had to have spinal surgery.

I had a posterior lumber interbody fusion. (Basically the surgeon cut out a chunk of my spine and bolted it back together.)

Within 5 weeks, after operation and full on physio, I was back at work.

But I wasn’t the same.

My emotions were much more dysregulated.

I had major rage outbursts, which would lead me to depression, then anxiety and then excitement and finally boredom, all within an hour.

After being bumped back and forth from psych to psych, all giving their own opinion and disagreeing with the previous clinician I had enough.

I was given phone numbers to call and was always received with “sorry its up to a years wait” or “yes our mindfulness classes are $180 per session.”

I gave up and went down hill to the point I was taken to the psych part of the hospital.

At this point all I could think was how do I kill this devil living in my head?

How do I kill myself without hurting my family? Because they would be better off without me right?

I battled and continued to seek help, and finally I was given the diagnosis “predominantly inattentive type ADHD and borderline personality disorder “.

I was given mild anti depressants and put on a mood stabilizer.

Now I think “this must be what its like to be normal”.

I guess the point of me telling you this is, no matter what you have going on in your life, you can do what you want just so long as you want it enough.

Never give up. If someone puts a wall in front of you, jump it.

If the door is closed, kick it open.

They say things are sent to test us, be a boring life if they weren’t.

Thanks for reading this,

Much luv, Gary x

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