SOMETIMES I feel like my girlfriends and I are living the lives of the girls from ‘Sex and the City.’ I mean almost every time I see them, we speak about our sex lives.
I understand all women aren’t like this. Many prefer to keep things private, and that’s totally ok, but we can’t help ourselves!
When we’re together, we don’t even need a wine to get us to open up.
A few months back, some friends and I went to a workshop called ‘How to have the most incredible sex.’
Now, we didn’t go there because we’re all having bad sex, we just thought it was a good laugh … and there was free champagne.
We got a lot out of it! If we’re being really open and honest here, I found out that I’m a little bit of a prude, as there is a whole heap of sexy things happening with couples that I never knew existed.
On the car ride home, one of the girls was telling me that her sex life with her hubby had been non-existent for the last month.
Their careers were both booming and they were both so exhausted that their spark had dimmed.
As I explained above, I’m no sexpert and I can be very conservative when it comes to sex, but I suggested she and her hubby schedule in some sexy time each week, so they could connect.
My partner and I see each other every second week as he works away, and the week he is home, it can be hectic. My busy life doesn’t stop and he has everyone to catch up with, and of course he has to mow the lawn! So sometimes we schedule in or block out afternoons to connect.
Both of us are early risers and always eat far too much at dinner time, so our sexy time is always scheduled in for an afternoon. That’s what works for us!
I think she was a little shocked by my suggestion: “How can you do that? There is no spontaneity then!”
I told her that, at the end of the day, it is more important to keep the connection alive and make time for each other.
A good friend of mine, Elise Carr from Stellamuse.com, is a sexuality coach and when I asked her about the issue, she said that we should be scheduling.
“Making time for your partner is essential to a thriving relationship, this includes ensuring you create time and space to make love,” she said.
My partner and I don’t send each other calendar invites or anything like that. We just have a conversation about when we’re having sexy times if we’ve noticed that we haven’t been connecting as much. It happens, life does get in the way sometimes!
I asked Elise if scheduling could dull your sex life or take out the spontaneity like my friend had suggested.
“Losing the intimacy in a relationship is what makes the loving connection disintegrate,” she told me.
“To strengthen it, you need to invest in it. For many people leading scheduled lives, this means the best way to ensure their relationship is getting the nourishment and love it requires to grow, is to set some time aside for uninterrupted lovin’!”
For those who might be in this situation, Elise suggests having a chat with your partner: “Have a conversation with them and talk about it.”
“Ask yourselves ‘what feels right for us both as a couple?’ For some, it may be twice a week, weekly, fortnightly or once a month.
“This does not mean it is the only time you make love or have a ‘date night.’ It simply means it is a non-negotiable sacred time you both block out and honour to commitment to.
“Other times may be utterly spontaneous!”
If you’re in a rut with your partner and you haven’t been intimate in a while, you may feel you’re not ready to have sex with them as it’s been a really long time.
However, it is still important to spend time to connect in other ways. As Elise has explained to me in the past, you don’t need to have sex to connect with your loved one. Daily connections with your partner can be really simple!
“They can be as easy as putting toothpaste on their brush, leaving them a love note in their bag or just calling to just say ‘I love you and you’ve been on my mind’,” she says.
“You could spend time snuggling up on the couch or going to bed early to just be together. Looking into each other’s eyes, listening to each other or having phone and internet free time together, especially on weekends or after hours, are some of the simpler ways of spending intimate time together.
“Intimacy is far more than just sex. It is an honouring of your partner as your equal, as a lover, friend and more. When you invest in that, your relationship has greater opportunities to deepen and strengthen.”
I truly hope this helps some of you that might not be feeling that connection or spark at the moment. Anyway, I’m off for a 3pm appointment…