So I’ve just turned 51 and I am in a good place, finally!!
You see, coming from a background of sexual and emotional child abuse, both have affected me significantly in my life but the sexual abuse from the age of three and a half til I was 8 has been quite hard to work through.
It’s been kind of like a broken record being played over and over again.. you can hear the music but then hear that bump in the track, the one that breaks that beautiful sound.
Being sexually abused at such a young age kind of makes that bump feel like a chaotic point in your life so you have to try to get back into the groove again.
It can be quite exhausting sometimes.
They say that the first 8 years in a child’s life creates a mould of the adult they are going to be. So what happens to a child when in those vulnerable years, they are groomed, molested and given a false definition of love?
Let me tell you, personally, the scars never truly heal.
They heal for a while, and you even forget about it … for a while… and then something as small as a smell, a touch or a spoken word can flip you right back to the emotions that are felt in those precious years when your foundation of self-was being built.
A paedophilia grown adult looks upon a child as a fetish, power, control… and the child learns about love based on all these things.
How does a child know it’s wrong?
Especially when it’s something that is as natural as cooking with your grandma or playing with your cousin. When the person abusing them is a faithful family member, someone that everyone trusts, why shouldn’t the child think it’s ok.
The heartbreaking thing is that a little child learns things about their bodies before they are meant to.
For me, it was an uncle.
I actually wrote him a letter many years ago, I didn’t even put my name on it as I know he would remember who I was and what he did.
After that, I felt some kind of peace finally telling him all I wanted to say, and I told him that I hoped when he died that he suffered as much as I had to suffer.
Two years ago I found out that he never read that letter.
The misfortune for me was that his daughter found it, and kept it from him. I felt like someone cut me open and I was in excruciating pain again.
People don’t understand that child abuse takes so much away from you.
Love is tainted. That first kiss from the boy you like, the first time someone holds your hand and you get butterflies in your tummy, that first touch by the man that you love, is all stolen from you by a 40-year-old man.
Without your permission, someone decides that you are theirs to do what they want with you.
They tell you that you are special and that no one loves you like they do. They tell you that no one understands this love and if you speak about it no-one will ever believe you and you would get in trouble.
When you are a lonely little girl and your parents are always working and busy and absorbed in their own wounds, you believe in any attention you get.
And as you grow up and realise what is happening to you is wrong, your world is shattered into a million pieces and you feel dirty, broken and scared.
When you realise what is happening, you don’t know how to stop it.
You blame yourself, you think you have done something wrong and from that point, every time this person touches you, you feel paralysed, you freeze and feel like you can’t say no.
You are afraid.
The words they used to groom you scream loudly in your mind. How do you explain it to a child that they haven’t done anything wrong and that they are innocent in all this? When this is all they know.
It ruins you and you feel trapped in a world where you always feel broken and scared.
I was lucky enough to move state when I was 10, the nightmares took a long time to subside, but they don’t just stop.
Over the years I did tell but nothing was ever said or done. It was like they didn’t want to be involved, so they turned a blind eye to it.
When I shared everything with my abuser’s daughter, I thought I would feel better telling her, but it ended up making me feel worse.
Not even sharing it with my mum helped.
Instead of shutting down, I started to have the courage to talk about it.
It was like opening up a can of worms!
Once you are ready to let it go, it’s when you finally unchain yourself from the abuse. You talk about it not just to be heard but to help someone else talk, so you can listen.
It’s vital for someone that has suffered this kind of abuse to be heard.
This became the stepping-stone for me.
“I’m not a victim, I am a warrior” has become my mantra.
I have been used and I have denied myself happiness and freedom for far too long.
Today I help others to find their voice, look into their dreams and make them happen.
If you know of anyone that has suffered childhood emotional and sexual abuse, please know that they battle it every day, the abuser may be gone, but the scars are trying to heal.
Don’t say to them, “That was a long time ago, haven’t you gotten over it yet?” or “Just stop thinking about it.”. If it was that easy, I know I would have saved myself ALOT of money I’ve spent to make it stop.
I know it’s only the beginning for me, but I’m stepping into freedom with arms wide open and wings spread.
I am ready for life and life is ready for me.
There is life after abuse; understanding it, pulling it apart, grieving the loss of that little girl and freeing her from her past.
It’s a journey, moment by moment, day by day and one day you will be born again, you will start a life you thought impossible and you will heal.
Believe The Best Is Yet To Come