I read a few years ago that a woman will always go back to an abusive relationship with the ideal that she is able to fix it. Fix the person. Fix the damage that has occurred. What I read I proved as true.
I spent 4 years, close to 5, taunted by the idea of loneliness and lack of drive to love anyone else.
I remember 3 years into an on/off relationship I found myself on the bathroom floor crying with such pain that I felt it throughout my entire being. How can you love someone so much, but hate him or her just as equally? My feelings were rendered invalid and I was often gas-lighted. Those of you new to the term ‘gas-lighting’ it refers to psychologically manipulating someone into doubting their own sanity. And boy did I doubt mine. I questioned everything that I believed to be true. I made so many excuses for a single person that I lost sight of what was actually true. I learnt the art of being so co-dependent that I can not even tell who I was and what I valued in this time period.I never felt good enough and my heartbreak was immeasurable. I always felt like I was the problem and that I caused the problems. Naturally an extrovert I shied away from the world for months – I never knew someone could cry as much as I did.
Now, being on the other side I am shocked that I allowed myself to endure such emotional pain. I put myself through that. I didn’t have a worth on myself as a human being and myself as a ‘girlfriend.’ Love should be without fear or limitation. It all starts within you. The most empowering thing one can do is give themselves permission to fully love themselves. When we dive into a toxic relationship and stay there we block ourselves off from love in all directions including within.
Ask yourself this. Why are you attached? Why do cry yourself asleep and then go back the next day? Why is your soul and ego feeding from trauma? What are you lacking within yourself?
So what did I do? I got really fucking selfish. I started by moving out and living by myself. I learnt the art of saying no and that included to family. I spent a whole lot of time by myself. Sleeping, eating, reading, journaling, meditating, breathing and sitting with my thoughts. I became selfish in the best way. I gave myself the space to blossom from where I was to the space I am growing into. I figured it is human nature to long for a deep and fulfilling soul connection with another, but the first step to a soul connection is having a connection with your own soul. Make yourself a priority. You’re your longest commitment.
Some days I still work at forgiving him but also at forgiving myself. I didn’t know any better and I wasn’t aware that love wasn’t meant to be so strenuous in nature. I thought you worked hard at your emotional expense to make the other person happy. It was a long time coming but lesson learnt. Cultivating a relationship with yourself involves changing the way you look at yourself and the experiences in your life. How I see it now is that life requires you to look within rather than outwardly for people, relationships, and circumstances to define and characterize who you are. Allow hurt and trauma to transform you – recognize where in your life you are your own poison. Recognize who feeds you that poison in the form of love.
Crazy how personal growth can make you let go of people you swore you couldn’t live without. I’ve surrendered to the idea that the most valuable gift you can give yourself is the gift of knowing who you are without another’s projections. You are worth every drop of love the universe holds. Don’t ever abandon yourself and remember that no one can ever deplete you of love – you are already love.