Story By Anonymous
I’m a yoga loving, coffee drinking, adventure addict 20-year-old who has been dying to share her story with you all, to shed a light on the agony and trauma sexual abuse can bring to a person’s life and to hopefully let people who are going through something similar to reach out to me for support and advice because no one should have to go through anything painful alone.
So, where the hell do I begin?
When I first reached out to Heidi about sharing my story I didn’t realise how hard it would actually be to sit down with my emotions, to relive situations and to feel that pain in my chest and the anger in my belly all over again. See that’s the thing about pain ‘it demands to be felt’- I know I’m quoting the fault in our Stars, but yes, it’s true, pain does demand to be felt, sooner or later you will have to sit with it and allow yourself to feel it.
The Definition of Sexual Abuse
‘Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is usually undesired sexual behaviour by one person upon another. It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another.’
Hmm, ‘usually undesired sexual behaviour’. You see that’s not how I remember my experiences with sexual abuse at all, but what I do remember is how paralysing it is, how your eyes fill with tears within a matter of seconds, how you have to bite down on your tongue and bottom lip so you don’t scream, so you don’t let the pain escape your chest, sexual abuse isn’t undesired touching it’s taking someone’s childhood or adult life away from them and replacing it with a unbearable life of trauma, guilt, unhealthy relationships and abandonment issues. It’s sitting on the bathroom floor at 2am balling your eyes out and screaming while the water is running so no one hears you, it’s a next level amount of pain you feel completely take over your body, its honestly like your drowning and no one can see you or hear your screams because your way in over your head. That is how I would define my experience with sexual abuse.
I’m sorry that got so deep and dark so quickly but that right there is what sexual abuse victims have to deal with and experience every day.
My ‘childhood’ was an extremely traumatic and dark time that I try to not look back on too often, I fell behind at school which led me to have even more self-confidence issues, I was pretty badly bullied from about year 5 up until year 9 about my weight, my height, my name, the fact I have a mole on my face, pretty much any possible flaw I may have had I was picked on for. But one day this passion and anger came out of me and I finally put my foot down and said that’s enough, I honestly think that was the first time I ever actually stood up for myself and wasn’t trying to people please my way through life because where had that gotten me? I like to believe that the people pleasing has always been of my nature, I have always been a very caring, compassionate and generous person but I also think that may have been one of the reasons I was put in such shitty situations as a kid because sometimes kindness is confused with weakness.
I grew up with a mother who was always high, me sober was her completely off her chops stoned because she herself had an extremely traumatic childhood, I’m not saying that she was sexually abused herself but she never had a happy childhood either, I’m not saying that the way she handled things was right at all but mum if your reading this, I do understand why you chose the pathway you did and I whole-heartedly would like to say I’m so sorry for what you experienced and what you had to go through alone as a young girl, no one deserves that, ever.
My experience with sexual abuse, trauma, self-confidence, pain, abandonment, having to ‘grow up’ overnight to look after my family, having all of these adult responsibilities put on my shoulders at such a young age wasn’t fair, I shouldn’t have experienced half the pain I did and currently still do, but I would 100% go through it all over again in a heartbeat, you know why?
Because I am such a strong, determined, hard working, loving, passionate and driven young women who simply won’t allow anything or anyone to get in the way of what I want and what I deserve.
I have gone through all that I have and come out of it a better and more loving and empathetic person and I couldn’t be prouder of who I am today and who I will be blossom into in the future.
I am going to make an amazing mother simply because of what I have been through, I will give my children everything I missed out on, a happy and loving childhood full of opportunity and adventure, they will know every single day how loved they are and how proud I will be of them, I can’t wait to meet my kids because I truly believe I was born to be a mother.
All that aside I know that I make an even better sister, friend, daughter, colleague, acquaintance and hopefully someday wife purely because of all that I have had the pleasure of privilege of experiencing. It’s all about mindset, I could easily use the shitty things that have happened throughout my life as an excuse to do nothing and be a horrible and sour person but I don’t, I use it as my motivation be get up early, to study, to work hard, to meditate and practice yoga daily, to be a good and honest person, to wear my heart on my sleeve, to be a supportive friend and grateful, genuine and loving woman because I deserve to live a life full of happiness and love.